Stay
by Noorlo
Summary: 'After all, the prince on the white horse is not something I ever believed to be real.' - just a little something imagine happening during Always, but it doesn't contain any real spoilers except from the obvious, that we all already know


**STAY**

…

(Kate's POV)

I told him I loved him.

He kissed my scars and it burned; not the kind of burning pain they usually provided, but burning flames that seemed to warm up my heart.

It only hit me afterwards and then it all became too much.

I started crying; he was asleep next to me and he didn't notice how I was trembling.

I guess that made it only worse; somehow I had imagined he would wake up and kiss me, tell me it would all be okay. Somehow I had just imagined that from now on it would all be-

-perfect.

I don't know why. Maybe I expected too much from it. After all, the prince of the white horse is not something I ever believed to be real.

But I let myself believe in magic for just that short second and now it was destroying me.

I'm not saying it wasn't good, because it was. It was really good. And he was so sweet and I know that he is-

-perfect _for me._

I believe that, now that I gave in to it.

It's just that I…. I just wish he would understand. Maybe I hoped that 'the perfect guy' would really understand me, and maybe I hoped that when I found him everything would be perfect.

But of course that's just silly, and untrue.

Because he doesn't notice and he doesn't understand. He's asleep in his bed and I'm here silently bawling my eyes out on his couch. I'd slipped out of bed after two minutes or so of crying; I didn't really want to wake him up. I didn't want to ruin this. I don't want to be crying here, is his loft, but I didn't want to leave because I know how much it would hurt him. So I decided to just hide out on his couch until I felt a little better, and then I would go back to bed. He'll probably never even notice I was gone.

But his loft is so cold and dark and I didn't even know where the light switch was –another sign of how imperfect everything is, maybe I had hoped I'd know that too- so now everything is dark and every glimpse of light that creeps through the curtain causes another fit of sobs; I'm so messed up, so broken.

And I hate it.

I pull his shirt over my knees; I put on his because I couldn't find mine in the dark and now it's just so cold.

I feel so frail. I let myself fall into the cushions and try to smother the sounds that are escaping. I'm such a baby; crying after sex in the middle of the night.

But I feel like I don't belong here and it hurts so badly, because those guys are after me, and he's peacefully asleep and he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand the addiction to the case and how that is nothing more or less than alcohol addiction or self-harm or suicidal thoughts.

And I hate that I feel like a stranger in his apartment because I had always imagined it would feel like home.

But it doesn't.

It doesn't and I hate it.

…

(Rick's POV)

When I wake up she's not lying next to me anymore, but the place beside me is still warm so I figure she left not long ago.

It hurts, though. I had really, really hoped that she wouldn't run; that she would stay, have breakfast with me. Maybe I had even expected it. Maybe I had expected that now that we've taken this step she would be ready for something more, a serious relationship.

But apparently she is not.

I can't fall asleep anymore, there's this uncomfortable knot in my stomach. It hurts. I don't want her to regret this, I don't want to act like this never happened. Because it was perfect and she told me she loved me, and I really, really believed her when she spoke those words.

She looked so sincere when she said it.

Fuck.

Slowly I sit up and suddenly I hate that I'm naked because if it wasn't for that smell in the sheets and the warmth on the mattress it would be like she was never even here.

I get up, my legs feeling heavy, and try to find my clothes. My shirt has mysteriously disappeared so I just pull on the pair of comfy sweats hanging from my chair.

I hate this feeling. I fucking hate it, and I know I am not going to be able to add this to our list of things we never talk about again, simply because it's too big, and too emotional.

She told me she loves me, and I'm not going to let her take that back. '

Then I notice her purse; still sitting on the nightstand, her phone lying next to it. When I look down I see her clothes still sprawled over the floor and I register that that missing shirt is probably on her right now.

I figure, maybe she's just going to the bathroom, maybe she's just grabbing a glass of water, maybe…

But then the concerned side in me takes over and I stride towards the door; leave my bedroom and quietly pad through the hall.

The loft is dark.

The bathroom is empty.

I don't hear the tab running.

So I head towards the living room, which seems to be empty as well, at first.

Until I hear a quiet, muffled sob coming from the couch. When I walk closer I see her; she's lying on the couch, legs pulled up under her and her arms wrapped around her body.

Her face is buried in a pillow and she's trembling and shivering.

The sight breaks my heart.

…

(Kate's POV)

Suddenly I feel someone sit down next to me and even if he wouldn't be the only one home I still would have known it's him.

He doesn't speak, at first.

I try to stop shaking; try to be strong in front of him, but I simply can't. It only results in another fit of sobs and I hate it. I hate that he has to see me like this.

Then I feel his hand on my thigh. It's nothing sexual; just a comforting touch.

I lift my head and try to get myself to sit up but I feel so embarrassed and my limbs feel weak.

''Hey.'' I then quietly say, almost whisper. I immediately resent myself for it; _seriously? 'Hey' is the best you can come up with after sleeping with him and crying your heart out on his couch?_

''Hi.'' He replies and he looks so concerned, and that only makes it hurt more.

Silence.

''I'm sorry that I made you think I was leaving.'' I whisper.

He doesn't reply.

I keep staring at my nails for a while, listening to the occasional hiccup I can not prevent from escaping.

''I-uh.'' I start nervously, then let out a humorless chuckle. ''I'm sorry for being such a mess, too.''

He just looks at my face and for a moment I believe he is going to kiss me. But he doesn't.

''Beautiful mess.'' The then says, out of nowhere.

''Wha-what?'' I ask, a little confused at first, but I already get it when I asked.

''You're a beautiful mess.''

He pulls me towards him and I let him. He's already seen me at my most vulnerable. What does it even matter anymore?

''I meant it.'' He says. ''I meant it when I told you I love you.''

''So did I.'' I whisper against his bare chest.

He kisses the top of my head.

''I really love you.'' He mumbles.

''I really, really love you too.'' I say and I know he's smiling, and that makes my next words even worse. ''And that is what makes this all so, so sad.''

Then I pull away, although I do not distance my body from his. I wipe away a tear, a new one.

''Because I can't stop.'' My voice is clearer now; stronger.

He closes his eyes for a brief second.

''I can't. And that what makes this such a sad, sad story. I'm never gonna be happy, no matter what I do, Rick.'' I know he wants to interrupt but I take his hand. ''It's either my mom, or you. And I can't choose between those two, I can't choose between two of the things I love most in my life, Rick. So I'm going for the one that's been in my life the longest. And I'm so, so sorry for that. But I have to. I can't stop.'' My voice breaks. ''Not now.'' I whisper.

''Kate…'' He pleads, and I can't look him into his eyes because I know how much hurt I will find in them.

I sadly shake my head.

''I can't stop Rick. It's an addiction and even if it wasn't, I can't stop, not now that I am so, so close.'' I softly tell him. ''So I hope…-'' I close my eyes and take a deep breath, because I know how much this will hurt me, and me too. Maybe it will hurt me even more. ''-I hope you will remember me like this; like tonight. Because it really was great Rick, and I really, _really_ love you. I hope you'll just remember that. And if I succeed, if I put this bastard away then I promise the first thing I'll do is come straight here, and then I promise you, with all my heart that I will dive into this, into _us_. Headfirst. I promise.''

He seems like he's about to protest, but then he shakes his head.

''Okay. But can I ask you thing?'' He asks.

I nod.

''Just stay the night; stay the night and then tomorrow you can do whatever you want to, and I will be by your side. If you decide that tomorrow you're going to do this then I will be by your side and I will support you, and I will try to keep you safe. So maybe you can have a little bit of both. But just stay the night, okay? Stay the night, please.'' He asks, almost begs and I hate how I am the cause of the pain in his usually so bright blue eyes.

So I nod.

And maybe also because I want to spend the night and because I want this night to be a whole one, and may I not survive trying to catch my mom's killer I want my last night to be with him.

So that's why I nod.

And he takes me offers me his hand and pulls me up from the couch; wraps his arm around me as he steers us to his bedroom and snuggles as close as possible when we both creep back in bed. his nose in my hair, his arms wrapped around me tight.

I know what he is thinking, because I'm thinking it too.

_I hope we have a chance. _


End file.
